N’s hate feelings. I chose from childhood on to be aware of how my mothers behaviour was wrong, my fathers I deemed correct and no doubt co dependent pesos lite was born, the helper, the fixer, the rescuer. Thank you for this brilliant article, which validates my own experience as scapegoat virtually word for word. They were privileged coming from a wealthy family. In situations where my sister and I would fight, I was always blamed as my sister would manipulate my mother to believe her. I was afraid to run away from home because I thought I would be put into the reformatory. Why does the narcissistic child take on the narcissist’s personality? SMH. If my family comes to know that I let my brother in law know, I will be hated for the longest time. Notice that the Nsiblings words will rarely match his actions. Any advice to the SO if someone who recently cut ties with their BPD mom? Melanie Tonia Evans (a narcissistic abuse specialist) writes some amazing articles on this topic. Its the behaviour of a master manipulator, and it is unbelievably crazy- making. The scapegoated child is constantly reminded by the narcissist that they need to be empathetic, kind, and improve upon the innate ‘badness’ that the narcissist has projected onto them. The Golden Child hides away, about 2 hours from where I live now. This was such a good article and informative and triggering too. Its amazing how i unconsciously left the house 18 years ago and moved overseas. The people who really know me, know the truth. If an intervention could be handled in the most exemplary fashion, this was it. A great weight lifted as I said it. At 51 years of age I have just finished writing my farewell letter to my narcissistic family and I am completely at peace with my decision. They just keep them in there because they enable, and show the narcissist more adoration than the scapegoat. In many, if not most dysfunctional families, the expression of emotion is not allowed. I’m older scapegoat to a younger golden. Thanks in advance, B x, Thankyou Barney, means a lot! The narcissist encourages the golden child to try to gain control over the scapegoat child. Very often two people will be separated into ‘black’ and ‘white’.
I don’t have many early childhood memories. I understand so much better what is going on with my grandchildren. She does not understand how abusive my childhood has been, and how it even continues today. So, to hear other people validate my experiences which are deeply embedded in these articles, is really helpful, and extremely validating.
No contact or not, you never get over the pain of their rejection. No matter the cost. This kind of golden child becomes that narcissistic adult in the room that a lot of us have probably met – the one who must have complete control over the actions, words, thoughts, and beliefs of everybody within their environment. So great to be out of the fog.
Thank you! I cannot thank you enough for this article.
They will pick at their entire being. I am also so grateful that you added the insights of how, because of our empathy, whether it be learned or something we are born with, plus the scapegoated childhood experience can actually be an opportunity to have really meaningful, impact-making lives of our own. Spend time on good people and good relationships; and less on toxic.
I say it seems an exception in my case because I was the golden child and my older half sister was the scapegoat. I am the scapegoat, but am the oldest. Since we split several weeks ago he doesn’t make a lot of effort to see the children, especially my daughter. But I'll explain "No Good" vs. "All Good" later.
On one hand I’ve been told not to visit if unwell as dad has pulmonary lung fibrosis and a cold could be devastating, then criticised for not seeing him. I’ve read articles that seem to almost excuse the golden child’s behavior, because their burden was assigned to them, much as the scapegoat’s burden. In my narcissistic family, I am older SG and younger sister GC. No matter what they do, they cannot please the parents (or the siblings who have been turned against them). You know? They subconsciously take on the narcissistic parent’s values, beliefs, and way of life. All the other children in their friend circle look up to him/her. My “martyred” older sister of course claimed virtually the entire estate, and my younger sister, who has been increasingly manipulated by my older sister, accused me of bizarre and totally invented acts of dishonesty and manipulation going back decades.
It’s of my opinion that there IS a grandiosity that exists in all of us, insofar as emotions regarding our childhoods are concerned. I completely agree with you that if you’re a scapegoat, you lose all your confidence in having friends, and you forget (or never learned) how to be part of a group. Like Scapegoats, Rescuers are likely to become abused themselves as adults, but it’s hard for them to leave an abuser because of their high level of empathy which keeps them tied to the abuser in their attempt to want to “help” them. I was one as well. Thank you Calista. “ Also “ why don’t you call me? The child is assigned to be a Mini Me of the narcissistic parent. So there’s a silver lining. “You should hear what she says about YOU!” We compared notes and figured out what mother was up to. But now I know that was part of what they took from me, the ability to know how to be myself and not be criticized,ostracized or excluded. They integrate these beliefs into every aspect of the life.
She has a hugely inflated sense of self. It is literally a chronology of my own FOO, with me being the SG. Learn how your comment data is processed. The narcissistic child as a replica of the narcissistic parent. The lack of loyalty and the ease at throwing this child under the bus is mortifying.
They reverse the roles, and truly believe they are the victimised individual. Infertility also.
My situation exceeded emotional abuse. The narcissistic parent lives and breathes through this grandiose, omnipotent, amazing child. Even if it means triangulating their children. Spouse is recovered alcoholic and I may be a recovered BPD, assuming there is such a thing, and I started to see the way I think about my kids in some of the roles you described. That’s great news.
It can also be a parent, in which the children are turned against that parent by the abusive one. Wishing you all the best, Billie. 4. My sister has treated me like dirt throughout my life.She does not love me and has shown me no compassion even when my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer. This dangerous, toxic dynamic between the two children serves a purpose for the narcissist, who has deliberately pitted both children against one another. Not a smile in the bunch. You have captured the subtleties and nuances of these toxic “family” dynamics like no one else. Source: was in a relationship with a low-end-of-the-spectrum uBPD with an NPD mom AND dad. Instead, they prefer people. Parents are manipulating with money…among other lovely behaviours…at the point of seriously contemplating NC with parents too. My niece is 11 and becoming a master manipulator with the assistance of her NM. This increased in frequency and severity until it went on every single day for over a year when I was eight and nine. Even as a child I looked at my sister and wondered what that would be like, not to feel the warmth of my mother’s love. The narcissistic golden child is encouraged to take on the un-empathetic, self-serving behavior of the parent, whereas the scapegoated individuals are often told that they are ruthless, and need to be more empathetic. Hi Barney, thankyou for sharing you story. The enabling wife/mom smooths everything out for them with the people they hurt so they can continue on their rampage. Now, all that happened is I became stronger. He was, and still is, a bully, who was physically, verbally, emotionally, and sexually abusive to me as a child. She may pretend to be concerned or offer some lure. I attempted a ” neutral relationship” to try and relate just as adults rather than “family” as I had done huge work on myself. The second child either follows suit, and allows the narcissistic parent and golden child to control them, without complaining; or they complain, and become scapegoated.
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